57 minutes of crying...

...And I survived!!! I feel like I've conquered the world.

I didn't go into Thursday, March 11, thinking I was going to let Lydia cry it out in the night. I didn't even think she'd need to as she usually sleeps so well. Technically she's been sleeping through the night for months now, so secretly I thought this was a motherhood milestone I could just forgo.

I was wrong.

She’s been waking up periodically in the night and I’ve responded by giving her a pacifier rather than waiting for her to settler herself down — clearly setting myself up for an unhealthy pattern.
I suppose what happened next was inevitable.

Many parents have warned me that eventually you just have to let babies cry themselves to sleep and even my parenting book of choice, “Babywise,” says it’s not harmful to their psyche — it actually helps them learn to self soothe.
But when the wailing begins, it’s difficult to remember those things.

She woke up around 2:30 a.m. Friday, Marcy 12, and sounded hungry. Although she rarely eats in the middle of the night anymore she has a very distinctive hunger cry and who am I to starve her?

Uncharacteristically, I woke Derek and had him feed her since he was spring break and could sleep in the next day and I had to go to work. He got up, fed her a bottle and changed her.
I don't know why I even bothered having him do it. I didn't go back to sleep until he was back in our room. I just couldn't sleep until she was settled.
Why am I like that?

Derek came back to bed and instantly fell asleep. So did Lydia and I for a short time. Then she woke up again. I went in, gave her her binky, situated her blankets and left.
20 minutes later she's awake again. Part of me wondered if she could possibly still be hungry, but she wasn't giving me her hungry cry. In fact she only cried until I picked her up (to burp her, which she didn't) and then she stopped.

A red flag, I thought. She's catching on.

I re-wrapped her. Binky in.

Moments later, she's up a third time with me. I check her diaper. Try to burp. Finally, I laid her back down again. When she started to cry after this time I thought, I'll give her 10 minutes and see how she does. I've done 10 minutes before, but it always feels SO long!
She actually seemed to be settling down after that long but a moment later she launched into another crying fit again.

I waited. 10 more minutes passed.

By now I've invested 20 minutes into this (with Derek sleeping peacefully beside me) so I think, I should keep going. I'm sitting with the monitor in my hand, volume off, but watching her have an absolute fit in her bed. Kicking, arms going, crying. She's rolling all over the place. Much of the time she was on her stomach, up on her hands and seemed to be unable to roll onto her back, though for the life of me I can't figure out why. Nothing was impeding her. In the course of all this she loses both her binkies. I've been putting a spare or two in there so she can easily access one. They're still in the crib but she can't find them.

Should I go in???

I waited.

40 minutes in I wake up Derek. I'm a basket case and need some moral support. Note to self: never wake a sleeping husband when you are upset, it will only make him worried, upset and want to fix the problem -- in that order. Especially when he had no idea I was going to do this that particular night.

He asked the obvious question of "why take a stand tonight?" I don't know why. It just felt like the right time. He tried to convince me that I should give her the binky and call it a night. But by now I'm 40 minutes in -- I've long since passed the point of no return.

It's like a game to test each other's will (Lydia vs. Mom).

By now I'm a wreck. Crying was involved on my end as well. I'm wondering if I am doing the right thing. What if she's in pain? My only consolation is two-fold: She was fine when I left her in her crib and I can see her on the video monitor so I know her situation hasn’t changed. I tip my hat to people who do this without such a technological luxury. I think I would lose my mind. Or give up and go in.

I finally got up and went into the kitchen, determined to find some sort of distraction like packing my lunch for the next day but I told myself 'if she goes on for an hour, I'm going in.' One hour seems PLENTY long!

I went back in our room where the monitor was and looked at the clock. Exactly 57 minutes had passed and she was suddenly holding still and being quiet.

She fell asleep!!!

I waited with baited breath to see if it would last. It did! A wave of adrenaline and relief washed over me.

Then I saw it: her blanket was up too close to her face and I panicked that she had actually suffocated. I told Derek I had to go in to check her. He's like "are you kidding? She'll wake up?" But I couldn't sleep without checking more closely. We determined I would take the video monitor and watch her as I opened her bedroom door. If she started to wake Derek said I should abort the mission.

We are nerdy when we are exhausted.

With the stealth of a jungle cat watching its prey I slipped into her room. She stirred but didn't wake. I moved the blanket and watched her calm, deep breaths, her small features resting angelically on her face. She was OK.

At 5:40 a.m. I go back in my room, finally falling asleep until 6:30 a.m. when the alarm rings. What a night — but totally worth it. I feel like I’ve conquered the world.

Since that night -- a night that will live in infamy :) -- we've had one other 1 hour cry fest and then a couple of sporadic 10 minute ones. Beyond that, she is sleeping like a dream. Let's hope it continues :)