My final days...

The time I hoped would never come is nearly here. As of tomorrow, my maternity leave is at an end.
I don't think I've ever had a more wonderful three month span in my life than these past few months have been. It’s strange -- I always thought I would be someone who needed the outside accolades a great job provides, or the guarantee of daily adult interaction to stimulate my brain in order to feel fulfilled and happy.
I was wrong.
The little life I've created during the day for Lydia and I has been absolutely fabulous. I get out and see friends enough to feel social. I exercise regularly enough to feel good about me. I read enough to feel like my brain isn't turning into oatmeal. I am careful to devote my full attention to playing with Lydia during her awake time, then take advantage of her naps to either work on projects I've been longing to do or catch a nap of my own.
It's amazing. Even Derek has commented on how much more relaxed I seem.

But life goes on. Perhaps one day I'll return to the simplicity of this life, but not right now. Duty (to our finances) calls for a return to work. I'm grateful that I really do enjoy the job I'm returning to. That and the fact that from everything my co-workers are telling me, I really have been missed. That's nice to hear.
But not as nice as watching Lydia's face when I come into her room after her nap. Her squeals and smiles are a sure sign that it is time to play and we are both happy to indulge in some quality time.

Lest I make myself more sad just by writing this, I have to remind myself that it is up to me to maintain a positive attitude about everything now. Lydia doesn’t need me to be sad about the situation (and neither does Derek). I can be strong. Right? I have shed my share of tears over having to leave her behind when I make my trek back through the doors of The Spectrum tomorrow (with plenty more tears to come I'm sure) but I take comfort in knowing Lydia will be having some quality time with Grandma and Grandpa Larson and I am extremely grateful for their willingness to watch her. Hopefully they understand my reticence has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. But that’s another thought all on its own. Instead, here is a list of some of the ways I’ve been spending my time during this final week:

* Making wassail and chicken soup for Derek when he wasn’t feeling well. Bringing him hot cocoa at school.

* Lunch with two friends from our prenatal class. We decided it was time for a “reunion” lunch now that we have traded in our pregnant stomachs for adorable children. It was fun to gab about the joys and challenges of our new lives and show off our kids.

* Waiting in line for the swine flu shot (see “angel child” post).

* A fun Halloween party with the Cottams (pictures in "so cute" post below).

* Cleaning, laundry, banking, errands, etc. to be ready to go back to work full time.

* LOTS of time cuddling with Lydia and playing on the floor with her.

* Finishing projects, such as putting the final touches on Lydia’s nursery (it’s about time, I know. Pictures below).

* A long walk with Derek and Lydia – 5 ½ miles on a gorgeous St. George day, and several other fun outdoor excursions.

* Stock piling some naps (I wish that were really possible) and worrying about how lack of sleep will play into the already emotional aspects of the work day.

* Attempting to have Lydia’s three month pictures taken. (We're trying again in a week or so. Long story.)

* Witnessing one of Lydia's important firsts (See "big news" post below.)

* Reminding Lydia again and again how much I love her and encouraging her not to forget about me.

* Reminding myself that it’s only 8 hours a day, andshe does sleep about half of that time, so I’m not missing THAT much. (lies…)

The one thing I am MOST grateful for as I look at this list is that it is certainly not conclusive on my time as Lydia’s mother. Going back to work does not mean I give up my position with her; I don’t have to return her when Nov. 2 comes. (Rationally everyone knows this but emotionally that’s how it feels sometimes). I get to be her mom forever and if I try really hard, maybe she won’t ever feel like she’s missing out by having me gone during the day. I will just have to be Super Mom when I’m done at work for the day.

Heaven help me.

Please.

The curtains I made for Lydia's room. Note the cute butterfly curtain rods.

Getting ready for church last week she was so tired and we were waiting to put her in her carseat. Finally, she just gave up and sacked out on our bed.

Taking a break along the Whiptail Trail in Snow Canyon.